We are what we repeatedly do.

"Less vividly is the mind stirred by what finds entrance through the ears than by what is brought before the trusty eyes, and what the spectator can see for himself." Denver, 23.

Still confused about Phipps but still okay with how things are going…fairly casually, but a little more-so. 

On Friday he had plans to go to a party and I had plans to go to a concert. I did not expect to see him at all and again, I was feeling like things were meh between us. And then at the concert (where I was having a great time! so good) he randomly texted me asking where the concert was because he decided to come. Then when he came he was pretty drunk and really touchy-feely. He kept kissing me on the cheek. 

And I was on some drugs so afterwards we went to a bar and hung out, met up with a bunch of over friends, then back to his house with all his roommates. He passed out before anyone but I still slept in his bed and cuddled. Then in the morning we both woke up fairly early and had sex again then cuddled for quite awhile afterwards. It was pretty good too. 

But I’ve still been trying to keep it casual. For instance, he offered to drive me home after breakfast that morning - even though it was super out of his way plus his roommates had to go pack for Blackhawk before meeting at my house later so I took a Car2Go instead. I think he was a little bummed that I did that. 

Then in Blackhawk, he was still flirty as usual and huggy but he was also flirty with all the other girls we went with. It didn’t make me too jealous because I was flirty with the other guys we went with too, but yet I was still paying attention. But then when it came down to it by the end of the night we fell asleep together. But since I was on drugs then too I wasn’t fully asleep while everyone else was still up raging so I could overhear some bits and pieces of things at points and heard a couple of my girlfriends talking about us. I didn’t hear everything but they seemed skeptical. 

And my friend Caroline, who I love, is so promiscuous, which…good for her! But I feel like she crosses the line a lot within our friends. And she flirts with Phipps even though I know she doesn’t like him that much, and I’m sure it’s just for attention. We’ve talked about how she sleeps with people to make herself feel better which is super unhealthy but also super obnoxious. And she thinks that people are constantly into her which I don’t believe is the case. 

Sometimes I wish I was as open and promiscuous as her but not when it comes to all of our friends. I think it’s fine for her to sleep with as many people as she wants, but it’s disrespectful in a lot of circumstances to sleep with all your friends and stir up problems. And now I’m ranting about her. I’m just not going to straight up flirt with a guy that one of my best friends is sleeping with. That’s rude, right? 

Anyway, the next day was a little weird with Phipps. We were fine and he gave me a big hug like he usually does but then when we were watching the game we sat on the couch next to each other but it was like he was avoiding our arms touching. Like not just avoiding cuddling, but avoiding contact until the end of the game when he seemed to finally relax about it. It was just weird and something I noticed. But then we all went to dinner afterward and sat like kiddy corner from each other and I found him looking at me here and there - maybe because I still looked like shit from the night before haha, but anyway. 

Then he also offered to drive me home that night but my friend Jenny was there who lives right by me, so I decided to leave early and get a ride with them but he seemed a little surprised by that as well. And when I went to say goodbye to him and hug him, he kissed me on the cheek. 


And the strangest thing about this all is I still don’t know how much I like him like him. Like I love the attention and having someone like me and cuddle and sex and all, but I still get annoyed with his personality a lot - like his waves of conservatism drive me crazy and I obviously get upset when he says stupid annoying bigoted things. But yet I still find myself getting jealous sometimes or upset when he’s not giving me the attention I want. 

I love and appreciate my moodiness and the million emotions I’m constantly feeling, but I really hate that I think so much about this in particular right now. I wish I could just clear it from my mind every once and awhile and not care like I’ve been trying to. 

Ha. winners? #ef #peddlehopper #denver
Colorado, man. #sunset #kickball #coloradoweather

what is this magic happening? what secrets does that watermelon hold? 

(Source: joshfjelstad, via whowantsbongripsandcoffee)

Painkillers are ridiculous. I’m at work and feel high as a kite. Mixed with coffee = high anxiety. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to come in to work today, but at the same time my pain is covered up…

a win and a lose. 




plot twist: the person you like actually texts you back

plot twist: the person you like texts you first

this is currently happening and i do not understand. he even let me know he was going to be late. whaaaaaat

ha it’s weird right?

(Source: feistiest)


My arrogance knows no bounds and I will make no peace today,  And you should be so lucky to find a woman like me.


My arrogance knows no bounds and I will make no peace today,
And you should be so lucky to find a woman like me.

I’m really confused about JPhipps and I. We’re friends that hang out a lot and occasionally have sex, text pretty much every day, and he is occasionally more sweet to me than a normal friend, but mostly we’re just friends. And we flirt here and there.

This morning he texted me asking how my leg was doing (while camping this weekend I fell on a rock and had to go to the ER to get staples) and I told him I stayed home from work because it was hurting so bad. 

Without asking he said he’d be over after work with weed and ice cream for me. 

Then we watched a movie and cuddled and talked. But didn’t kiss or anything more than a hug goodbye. 

So that was super cute and super sweet, but it made me really confused because I think that just moved this from a distinct Friends with Benefits thing to a …I don’t know thing. 

I’m really high on weed and painkillers right now so I need to stop writing. But I have a lot more to say later. 


Eduardo Fonseca

Night from Akt-Skulpturen, Studienfilm für bildende Künstler, 1903


Night from Akt-Skulpturen, Studienfilm für bildende Künstler, 1903

(Source: iconophages, via getbruised)

Yasuhiro Onishi, Spirit

Yasuhiro Onishi, Spirit

(Source: aelcyone, via d3ssins)


(Source: explodes-into-space, via zetti5)

asperatus cloud x


asperatus cloud x


(Source: dilfgod, via metanoiapanic)