I don’t really remember what inspired the list of things I wanted to write about whilst drunk and overly tired last night, but I’ll take a whack at it anyway…
Thought it’s been a long time and my sex drive comes in waves that I generally ignore, I’m trying to become less self conscious and just do what seems impossible. I don’t think it’ll really change anything though, to be honest. I’ll still be celibate or whatever. So last night I was obviously drunk enough to think I’d be confident enough to address one or two persons in particular that I would definitely like to see naked. Ha!
On a side note about that, sometimes I mistake getting close to someone as developing feelings for them. I can’t tell if I like-like Justin or if I just like that we’re becoming really good friends…ugh. I don’t think it’d matter though because I know he’s not into me, so I’m just focusing on being really good friends - which is equally as cool.
My weekends are fantastic and so much fun. I was a confident boarder before this season but now I’m feeling really really great. I don’t really have many hesitations anymore except for double black shoots that are super steep and really narrow trees. I’ve been trying to build my confidence with trees and I was doing well for awhile until this one run my new (and amazing ;) Aussie friend took me down yesterday. It was fine at first but soooo narrow and really steep and the lines were carved out too thickly to readjust myself. I’m happy I attempted it but I’m not happy at how terrible I did. And I’m so fucking sore today. But overall, I’m kicking ass at boarding and I’m also getting so used to powder that I’m becoming a spoiled local boarder. As for weekends though, they seriously go by in a second. 2.5 days feels like one day and it’s so frustrating.
On to work - I look forward to the weekends so bad that it’s unhealthy. And when the weekend is over I get depressed and irritated. I’ve come to a healthier decision that I am going to look into grad schools and study for the GRE and hopefully put in applications before next Christmas. I truly wish that I could do something with my life and career that allows me to enjoy that career as a part of my life, not as my life. I want to be able to enjoy the world and enjoy all of the things that are available to explore. I feel that if I make enough money and then choose to go travel for months on that money, I should be able to without guilt and without being utterly lost, broke, and without any job prospects or respect when I get back. I need to find something that I am so good at and that I am 100% confident with in order to fulfill that dream. I need to be able to come home after months of wandering and be able to confidently say, “hire me because I kick ass at this and you don’t have any better applicants than me.” But that requires a specialty that I think only a Master’s will get me. I could always get a job waitressing or in customer service anywhere but that’s obviously not at all what I mean.
I’m thinking that traveling again this summer will really inspire me to get a move on with all of this…and I was really excited at the idea of going to grad school in Europe somewhere (which is still a huge possibility and would give me opportunities that the US just wouldn’t) but I also fall farther and farther in love with Colorado and my lifestyle here every day. I don’t want to give it up. At all. Not yet anyway. There are also some really great programs I remember looking into in California which sort of excites me. I feel that I can carry on my lifestyle in California and still be really close to Colorado and people that I love here. I can’t speak the right words about how I feel here and about my people (friends and like-minded strangers). I just can’t find the right words that will reflect all the emotions and love…
And now the adorable, hilarious and fun Aussie that I met yesterday. I’m in love with him. But seriously, I haven’t hit it off with a stranger that well in a really long time. We really seemed to click more than anybody else we were with and had the same sense of humor. Plus he’s adorable and Australian. Hopefully he’s available to go boarding again next weekend. We’re Facebook friends now so it’s getting pretty serious…. ;P
Hoooookay. I really didn’t think I’d have the energy to get into that list as I did. Let’s do this again soon.
Haha no….he was a friend of a friend that we picked up in Silverthorne and boarded with all day. I’m smitten ;) He’s here for a couple months…eeee.
Things I refuse to ignore. Things I will address in upcoming posts:
sexual desires (names/theories/ideals)
work and hate and coworkers
the aussie I fell in love with today….
I keep thinking about things that I should or want to write about but for some reason I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. About personal topics that I feel if I write down it’ll become too permanent or something, things that don’t seem to matter at all really….who knows why this is. I’ve thought about writing about specific people in good and/or bad ways but there’s always the small minuscule chance that they’ll read it or that someone who knows them will and pass it along.
My coworker found out that I have a BA in writing and he immediately asked me with a sly grin, “so do you blog? are you a blogger?” and I didn’t hesitate to say yes, but I did find myself a little defensive in explaining that I don’t really write that much on my blog (which is true). Why did I feel a little ashamed? I guess I see a lot of people who write on their blogs in a diary-like fashion which is totally fine and I sometimes enjoy what they write about but I can’t seem to feel comfortable with that. Even though I don’t know a majority of my followers, it seems like I know them too well.
I used to write in my journal every day about everything but I don’t do that anymore either. I think I stopped that because of having a blog where there is that thrill that someone you know might read what you have to say and glimpse into your mind but then when you become too worried about that idea and too withholding - and now journaling isn’t as thrilling - what’s left is bottling up all my thoughts and not allowing them to go anywhere.
I don’t think it’s healthy for me, someone who thinks and thinks and over thinks about every little detail of my life. Especially since I haven’t found time to paint at all either which has been my other outlet since I can remember. I’m too bottled up. I need to find a way and find some courage to let my thoughts loose and express myself again. Just for myself.
I need to motivate myself and trust in my creativity and thoughts!
Let the ticker begin.